To their simplest nueron
Colored red from desire and love, Only one way in or out the easy way, Cluttered and stuffed with memories and necessities, Not always open or welcoming, However I give the best I can give from it, Whether it be by sympathy and donation, Or desire and optimism, You might feel lost in it, I know i do all the time, Its dangerously unorganized in some parts, In others, simply just put together, Not so much lately, as it gets busy with thoughts or actions, the chaos deepens..
a starving artist.
too many emotions inside of me.
i don’t want to feel anything.
or maybe that’s just want i want.
i don’t really know anymore.
i know that i am happy sometimes.. but also that a lot hurts right now.
and if i don’t keep myself busy, then i trap myself in my head.
sometimes having my own little world can be a benefit.
but other times, it’s a curse.
right now, i don’t want to make the effort to get to know anybody.
i just want the people i want, the people i know, and those who know me.
unfortunately, circumstances always keep me from staying constantly busy.
i have no motivation as of the time being.
but i have plenty of ideas.
ideas; they have always been my strong point.
making decisions hastily, and not making decisions at all is my weakness.
i can come up with a million things to keep myself busy.. but following through with them at this point seems out of reach.
i don’t even care that most people don’t get me anymore.
i care more that some of the people that do understand don’t want to.
maybe i am just the one that doesn’t understand.
i have about 5 dreams every night.
so much of what’s happening in my life makes it’s way into my dreams.
that’s not entirely fair. i just want to get away sometimes.
and i have this feeling of being worried and scared.
sometimes i can get myself to just let it all go, and other times i just can’t.
i’ll put on a face for some people. and others, i just wear it all on my sleeve.
it just depends on the degree of closeness vs. whether or not i’m scared of judgement.
i know one thing is for sure.
i’m terrified of becoming my mother.
and i have seemingly become wilder than i could have thought myself to be.
i know it’s probably a phase.. but i can’t shake it..
i don’t want to be stared at, and i’m fucking sick of creeps.
part of me wants to be reckless. more so than this summer.
part of me is worried i can’t control myself.
i’ve always been a control freak. but letting go is what i need.
and when i think back: this past summer was the most fun i’d had.
i don’t want anyone else.
i wish i did, but i don’t.
and now, i find myself wanting to be alone sometimes.
and just drive around, do random shit.
i want to leave.. run away from all of my obligations and responsibilities.
i feel trapped now.
i love my job, and my friends.
but i want to go far away.
i need to.
and i hate the feeling of not completely thinking things through.
but thats what happens when you make stupid fucking decisions.
at the same time, that’s all i want to do. i just don’t even care if they’re stupid sometimes.
i want to channel all of my emotions into something to get them out..
but i can’t.
i don’t know if i’m going back to soccer.
i don’t know if i’m gonna do aerial fabrics.
but i should, right?
i don’t know if i can handle anymore.
i don’t know that i want to.
my dr. hates me smoking pot but at the same time,
i can think about things more clearly it seems.
free from emotions and anxiety.
that’s helping me moreso than he is.
i feel like everything is going so fast.
i just want to slow it down.
i don’t know which is worse.
i’d like to share my thoughts with someone.
someone that gets them like i do.
but then i remember.
and the cycle starts all over again.
emotions, emotions, emotions.
That’s always the one that gets hurt.
To those people who just appear and suddenly you find yourself wondering.. wanting to know their story.